The year is not even over yet, and it has been a hell of a year. I usually write these before New Years, but so much has happened this year where things have changed my mentality on how I look at things in life with a mixture of personal events in my life that have been very cathartic and sometimes I don’t know what to make of it. As I am writing this, it is the day after Thanksgiving as I’m starting this post, and I usually write these a week or so before New Years. Most likely, I will try to finish it before Christmas, but I at least wanted to get started. A lot can happen in one year, so why not write while I am ahead on time but still behind financially. That was one of the struggles this year. Some hard lessons have come to light this year, and to be honest, it was very unnerving, to say the least. Maybe as someone gets older, maybe they develop a sense of increased empathy and intelligence, but that mostly comes with experience because there are a lot of things in life that school can not teach you in books. It sure seemed like the last 3 years had been one big hill to climb, but when you think you have reached the top, the hill is much bigger than you thought it was. If that makes any sense.

I grew up in a small town in Northern California, I went somewhere else for a few years but I had moved back to my hometown 13 years ago and it wasn’t until within the last 5 years or so it didn’t feel like home anymore. It didn’t feel like home because of how things were socially with some friends I could no longer trust. 2023 was the year where it really got to me and where I felt miserable and alone, and that had finally taken its toll on me mentally. I really want to choose my words carefully here but I am at the point where blunt honesty is the only way to get your point across and I don’t really care who gets upset or offended but at least I stick to my guns on this issue.

Just like any other year, 2023 has had its pros and cons, but there was something about this year that is hard to put my finger on. There was a constant state of uncertainty. I’ve felt lonelier than I ever have, and I’m the type of individual who is cool with having me as my own company. I don’t know if that changes as you get older, but it is also what I have experienced mentally. Is it because I have outgrown certain people whom I grew up with. Is it because, as friends and as people, we didn’t grow together because of opposing points of view? I honestly don’t know. All I know is that throughout most of that year, I felt out of place and didn’t know where I belonged. Part of that is my fault. It’s my fault to the extent that I got used to being alone. Wanting to be secluded. Handling any situation where I don’t need to ask for help from anyone because I have an issue with trust and reliability with people. I know that there are plenty of people I know who love me and care about me, but the last thing I want to do is burden anyone with my problems. We all struggle. The last thing I want to do is add on the burden. I have been the rock for a lot of people I know, love, and care about, but who is the rock for me when I need someone to just even talk to. Part of that is my fault because of my issues with trust. Secondly, live up to your word when you say you’re going to be there for someone no matter what. Call me old fashion, but a man (or woman) is only as good as his (or her) word.

2023 was not all bad. Throughout the course of my existence, it’s important to take the good with the bad. I got to take a long overdue vacation to Vegas for a heavy metal festival that was very nostalgic for me to attend. I have become more solidified in my job where I survived 3 rounds of layoffs that year and and I started this blog which has really helped my creative side and become better as a writer so hey thank you WordPress! What I have been trying to do throughout the year is trying to train my brain to not go into the worst possible result. That’s just my overthinking brain. It is just in my DNA to think about every angle to a situation, but people have told me that is what smart people do. I’m too modest to call myself smart. I like to think of it as levels of experience, but luckily, I have the wisdom to learn from all my mistakes rather than repeat them. So I suppose in that way I am smart.

It is now January 19th 4:43PM as I am finishing this post. Why did I wait so long? I suppose I am somewhat of a perfectionist. Writing may not be my real job, but I do take some pride in what I do. Same as how I do in my professional life. I have been having a lot of those moments that I just go on long drives or walks just getting lost into what I am listening to. Usually, if I want to drown myself in my thoughts, I’d listen to Tool or A Perfect Circle or something of that nature. I did that a lot when I was growing up taking walks at night listening to the mix CD’s I had made back then. If it wasn’t a mix, it was definitely Tool’s record Lateralus, which I still love to this day. Getting lost in a 12 minute jam session is sometimes the cure for an overthinking mind.

A couple of weeks ago, I was on a drive listening to a playlist I had made a few nights before. A song by Billy Idol comes on, and I had forgotten I had gotten that record. I usually find my music in the soundtracks of movies and TV shows. I found this one in The Umbrella Academy season 3 episode 9. It was in a scene where the universe was falling apart, and the team was anticipating the end of time and the end of their lives, not knowing what is going to happen after that. The song put me in a state of nostalgia and uncertainty. I made this post to my Threads and shared it on Instagram, and a friend of mine chimed in on the comments, and what she said was good point. She said, “anticipation?”, and she had made a good point because uncertainty comes with a certain degree of anticipation and she told me to take it easy on myself which I truly appreciate because as a fellow overthinker, she well knows that we can be too hard on ourselves. So thank you, my friend, if you are reading this.

19 days into the new year, and I have to say I feel good. I am looking forward to making more progress in my life. Make more progress in my career and, most of all, make more progress as a writer. I’m just doing my best one day at a time to keep myself away from distracting elements that keep me from progressing on the road that I want to stay on and where I want to go. I can honestly say that in the first time in a long time, I am hopeful and looking forward to it. I am ready. Bring it on!

Getting dressed to kill the new year 😎

I’ll end with this. I made a video that’s a metaphor to a fresh start with a passage I had written and a video I made with. I’m new at making videos and video edits, so it’s definitely amateur hour with those so far with me. In conclusion, happy new year to anyone who is reading this. Thanks for reading, and I look forward to what the years brings and I’m excited.

“Had a rough 2023? Here’s an idea. Clean out your entire phone. Start fresh. Like brand new. Offload everything on your laptop or PC. Photos, videos, text messages. Whatever that reminds you of something you no longer wish to hold anymore. If there are memories of that year you want to keep sacred, keep them. As for the memories you want to let go of. Upload them on a flash drive and toss it in the ocean, break it, burn it, whatever helps you to move on. That way, those memories can’t remind you of a time when things were rough and no longer wish to hold onto so you can move on. I know that there is nothing you can do about the memories that are still in your brain, but at least you don’t have something saved reminding you of time you no longer wish to remember. There is no need to hold onto anything that does not help you move forward in life. Life is hard enough as it is. Why hold onto anything that will hold you from moving forward.”